When Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the year…

...A message of support to women separated from their children. 

This weekend, the supermarkets are full of what I like to call ‘mum-reblia’…various bits of pink sparkly merch, with ‘best mum ever’ emblazoned across. Plus, flowers, chocolates and of course the obligatory bath and shower giftsets!

I don’t want to sound cynical here. Personally, I’m an absolute sucker for a mug that tells me I’m the greatest mum. But for me, Mother’s Day also has a shadow side. It’s a day when I think about all the women I know who will be spending it separated from their children.

Sir James Munby, a senior UK family court judge, once reflected that now the death penalty has been abolished in the UK, adoption represents the most draconian intervention the state can make in family life. Yet the number of children being removed from their families continues to rise. The UK now has one of the highest rates of child removal in Western Europe, and more than 100 children enter the care system every day.

But beyond the statistics are real people and real lives. Mothers like Ellen. Like many women in addiction, Ellen’s story is more than the drugs or alcohol.

“For 13 years I was in a domestic abuse relationship, both physical and mental. It was always the mental abuse that was the worst, the physical abuse always had a beginning and an ending and if I was lucky, it was quick.

I’m not sure when the alcohol finally took me, what started as a glass of wine a night 'to take the edge off' or help me sleep gradually turned into a bottle. Before long, it had me in its clutches and I was beaten.

I told nobody about the abuse, not my parents, my friends or work colleagues and it was easy to hide as he was careful with his fists, never the face. We married, had children and still I kept my silence. I have no idea why. I am what I consider strong but that isn't the way domestic abuse works. I thought nobody would believe me and I when I finally managed to leave that relationship, I was right, many didn't. I was ostracised from friendship groups and support systems I thought would hold me safe. 

The abuse continued long after we separated. He cut all financial support, emptied the house of all furniture except the children's beds and clothes, cut off the utilities and generally made life hard.”

Ellen was desperate for help, but fearful of speaking out. She says that she felt shame every day. Things got worse for Ellen when her ex removed their children from her care and started proceedings to have them permanently removed with no contact.

At the point of desperation, Ellen went into rehab. This is where her life began to turn around.

“I was given the tools to build my fractured spirit back to a place where I had some self-worth. I began the battle to get my children back and working a 12-step program continued daily to get better.”

She also began to rebuild contact with her children. However, visits were held in contact centres, so were strained and difficult

“The children and I both felt uncomfortable and nervous. I tried the best I could to make sure our time was filled with love and happiness and they got to witness first hand mum recover. 

The contact centre wasn't open on a Sunday, so Mother’s Day was celebrated on a different day. You wouldn't think that day would have such significance, but it does. We made spring wreaths that day, I brought all the crafting bits we needed and cake. When they walked the kids out back to my abuser, my heart broke. People talk of heart break, but I don’t think there is a pain like a mother not being with her children because she made a mistake or just simply broke under the pressure of relentless abuse that took place over years.”

It is stories like Ellen’s that have shaped our thinking as we prepare to open our first women’s house in Gloucester.

Many of the women we will be supporting will, like Ellen, be survivors of trauma and domestic abuse. Yet because they have struggled with drugs or alcohol, they are often judged harshly by society. There is little compassion shown to mothers who are unable to meet society’s expectations of what a carer should be, even when the circumstances that led them there were beyond their control.

As well as supporting women on their recovery journey, we also want to support them in their journey as mothers. We want to create a safe, stable and nurturing family environment for women and children to rebuild together.

This Mother’s Day, we are thinking of the women for whom today is a hard day. We hold them in our hearts and minds and are galvanised to keep pushing forward our women’s community in Gloucester. 

For Ellen, Mother’s Day has a different meaning these days,

“I am still very active in the recovery community and the real life stories that I hear tell me that we have a lot of work to do in supporting mums and their children break cycles of abuse, tackle addiction head on and remove the stigma. When I get my cards this weekend and it's still got the 99p price tag on the back and they have squiggled their names in haste, I will have a burning glow inside that we have survived, we are recovering and we are bathed in love.”

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